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Jonathan Brandis Forum • View topic - Why I'm here

Jonathan Brandis Forum

For Fans of Jonathan Gregory Brandis (April 13, 1976 -- November 12, 2003)
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 Post subject: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 1:50 pm 
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Posts: 22
Location: Nowhere Zen, New Jersey
I've never been the "fangirl" type. I don't know... I guess I'm too rational and in my mind, there's no point in loving something you'll never have. When I was 13, however, I was much less rational, and I, like probably everyone here, had those damned Bop magazines everywhere. But I really only had eyes for Jonathan Brandis. (Although, I still remember one particularly attractive picture of Edward Furlong from one issue. Hehe.) The thing is, I grew out of it relatively quickly. I never even REALLY watched Seaquest. I guess I was busy being too cool for that, or something.
But you don't ever really get over that, do you? We all go around loving things we can't have, every day. We're a covetous lot. And in spite of my rational mind, I still loved Jonathan. I mean, as a person who never knew him, can I say that really? All I saw were the interviews in Bop about trivial stuff, and the very few televised interviews... But in my mind, I did love him. And I do.
I don't remember when I found out about Jonathan. I think it might have even been right after it happened, but I was going through a lot, and I kind of just said, "Well, damn" and pushed it away. I didn't deal with. In fact, in a twisted way (I guess I wasn't in a good place either), my head was thinking: "Respect, bro."
But now... what? Ten years later? I'm not in a good place again. For different (not depressed) reasons, and something led me back to him. And I am grieving. And it feels really fucking weird to be this uber-rational grown-ass woman, obsessing over a dead guy I never met. Worse, one who's been dead for ten years. I keep trying to save him in my mind, and it's not working, and I know it's never going to work. Unfortunately, dead is dead.
But I'm holed up in my room, poring over all this, crying, and trying to make some kind of sense out of it- what I didn't do in 2003, and haven't done for ten years. I guess I've always been drawn to darkness, and the last time I cared enough to notice, Jon was this carefree, rich, All-American looking guy with a huge beautiful smile who was way out of my league. So there's guilt that I didn't bother to notice that darkness (not that I could have, I'm sure no fan was aware of it, as even those close to him didn't seem to be. Although, looking at all those pictures in the "Older Years" section on this site just make me wonder why someone couldn't see he wasn't happy), and also a sense of... kindred? That he was dark, that he wasn't immune to the bad places people go, even though he seemed to have led a charmed life? That some days, one fateful one in particular, he just really couldn't see the point of going on? I guess it makes him human to me, maybe for the first time. And relevant again. And so I needed to acknowledge that I still want to see his face- his current face, not the one I loved when I was 13. I know there is no current face, though, and it's getting to me right now. And I didn't know where else to say this.


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:01 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:51 am
Posts: 902
You're among the 'choir', thepoetsdreamed (and I know where the name came from, by the way) in that. Probably no one here can vocalize why, after this long, the facts in all of this are still so exquisitely hurtful. Whatever Jonathan 'did' to so many hundreds of thousands, he did it well enough that they are still feeling that connection - even though, as you said, 'dead is dead'. All of us have gone that route of trying to repair the past - undo the damage - unbreak the heart - unhear the story, only to awaken, and remember, and grieve again.
It's not a selfish or unique thing. I think each of us recognizes somehow that the world lost something special when Jonathan finally lost all hope on that fateful night. As you've said, he was a brilliant light and seemed untouchable and perfect, and the knowledge that even someone so seemingly blessed could find no release but death is a blast of mortality that no one wants to face, for if he could lose faith in the future, what does that mean for the rest of us?
All I can say is that his act wasn't personally directed at anyone, though the results and repercussions continue to echo, even this many years later, in anyone who truly 'got' what he meant (without words, mostly, and without seeming to see it in himself.) And what is more personal than that grief? What cuts closer to the bone?
We understand that loss, so personal and so inexplicable, and that connection - whatever it was - and we know what you mean, where you come from, and where you are.
Jonathan still demands our attention and that realization eventually finds each person in their own time. "Love" is not too strong a word, for I've seen up close the pain in people from all over the world, from every walk in life, old and young, people who knew him well and people who knew him only by reputation, and it is real and powerful.
I can't say that I understand it, but I know it is real and valid -
and you are not alone...especially here.

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"Your shadow is yours. I told it so. I said it was yours.
I have carried it with me for too long. I give it back." - M. Strand


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:24 pm 
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Joined: Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:46 am
Posts: 74
Welcome!! I'm newbie here too. Awesome organization huh? :)


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:53 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:38 am
Posts: 673
Location: Quebec, Canada
There's a quote that I really like that always reminds me of Jonathan and what we feel.

"You cannot truly understand another person unless you understand their pain."

I understand how you feel. WE understand how you feel. I grieve for Jonathan twice a year(In November and in April).

It just hits me. I start thinking of Jonathan and how much he means to me and I cry.

Welcome among us.

You are not alone.

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Jonathanfanboy, J-B.org Webmaster
"Making the website a better place."
“I mean, I try to say the right things and give the right advice. But still, I’m only a person.” -Jonathan Brandis


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:49 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:37 am
Posts: 23
Location: Philippines
Happy Birthday Jon!!!

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screaming in silence...died with a broken and shattered heart


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 12:58 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:04 pm
Posts: 22
Location: Nowhere Zen, New Jersey
I'm glad I'm amongst people who can understand this in some way. I'm really trying to make sense of it. Why now, even? It's not because of his birthday because I didn't even realize it was coming up. But I hope wherever he is, it's happy anyway.

And Irrelevant... it's always nice when someone gets my (sometimes obscure) musical references. It makes me feel... relevant.


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 1:07 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:37 am
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Location: Philippines

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screaming in silence...died with a broken and shattered heart


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 Post subject: Re: Why I'm here
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 11:53 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 12:42 pm
Posts: 306
Welcome B-)


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